


The One Where Everyone Finds Out (Except Probably Shitty)

by humanwithhumanpowers, waywardchilde



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: A little bit of johnson, Canon Compliant, Everyone Finds Out, Fluff, It actually kind of has a plot???, Late Night Writing, M/M, Secret Relationship, Secret relationships get it, The title is a friends reference, fuck the lax team, headcanons, slight crack, there are extras at the end they're great i promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-01
Updated: 2016-08-15
Packaged: 2018-07-28 14:18:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7644262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/humanwithhumanpowers/pseuds/humanwithhumanpowers, https://archiveofourown.org/users/waywardchilde/pseuds/waywardchilde
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The story of how Jack and Bitty are really bad at keeping their relationship a secret.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Keep Your Chowder Dry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> keep one's powder dry  
> 1.  
> remain cautious and ready for a possible emergency.

Bitty was having a good night. _Was._

Jack had come up to visit for the Kegster, but had spent most of the party with Bitty. He'd even added "Please Knock" to the "Not A Bathroom" sign on his door to prevent unwarranted guests from walking in on them together. But even after a night of flirting, kissing, and joking around, Bitty had started worrying about life after college. He wondered if he and Jack would still see each other, or if he would see any of his friends. He voiced his concerns while they were getting ready to join the party.

"I don't know what I'll do when I'm not living in the Haus," he admitted, unable to look Jack in the eyes. "I've been with y'all for three years, and it's almost time for me to go. It just scares the living daylights out of me."

Both boys could hear someone climbing up the stairs, getting tense but carrying on with their conversation

"Bits, everything is going to be fine," Jack smiled, cupping his boyfriend's face to look into his eyes. "We'll see each other all the time. We'll see _the team_ all the time. I mean, I still do. And, besides, not living with a bunch frat boys is going to be a gift. Believe me."

Bitty stepped away. "Jack, honey, trust me: I _know_ that not living with all the noises and weird smells will be a blessing, but it's just... I've never lived alone before. _I've never had my own kitchen_."

Jack shook his head and got down on one knee. Bitty gasped. "Jack Zimmerman-"  
  
"No, Bittle, I'm not proposing, Just come here."  
  
Bitty stepped closer to Jack, who again placed Bitty's face in his hands, "Listen, if it's living alone that scares you, I can visit you whenever you need, no matter _where_ you go."

 And at that precise moment, Bitty's night went from great to _sweet lord why._

* * *

 Chowder wasn't drunk, he really wasn't. He'd had a couple of shots, sure, but he wasn't drunk. Just as The Party was reaching its peak, he'd sung a halfway decent cover of Everybody Talks with Holster and vomited on his shoes. Chowder had tried to offer him his shoes as a consolation, even going so far as to take them off and hand them to him, but Holster had just laughed it off and told him to aim for the Lax Bros next time.

But now he and Ransom were trying to convince Chowder to do a body shot. Chowder, staring down at his bare feet, tried to get out of it.

"Oh, uh, I... can't. I can't, uh," Chowder quickly glanced up at his teammates, and then back to his feet. "Because I... need to... cut my toenails?"

"What?"  
  
"Oh, uh, yeah. Pshyeah, you guys. Can't do a body shot with them like this! It's, uh, it's practically a crime against humanity." Chowder tried his best to convince them. "I'll, uh, I'll go see if Bitty has some nail clippers."

Chowder backed away slowly as Ransom and Holster discussed whether or not they'd ever done a body shot with their shoes off.

He rushed up the stairs, tripping only a couple of times. He paused for a second, unsure whether to turn left or right and continued down the left hall to Bitty's room. He knocked on his door, but there was no response. He cracked open the door, only to realize he had gone to his own room by mistake.

He turned around, glad nobody was around to chirp him and started to laugh. "Hey, Bitty, I was wondering if you had any--"

Chowder froze. Before his eyes, the great Jack Zimmerman was on one knee, cupping Bitty's face and staring thoughtfully into his eyes. Well, he _was_ until Chowder came into the room and fainted. 

* * *

"Sweet lord, is he alright?" Bitty rushed to Chowder's side, placing a hand on the boy's forehead. 

Jack frowned. "Yeah, he just... fainted?"

Looking down at Chowder, Bitty sighed. "Well, that's a fun night ruined... Can you carry him to my bed?'  
  
"Yeah, sure, I'm on it," Jack bent down to pick up Chowder, and carried him over to his bed bridal style.

After Bitty had tucked Chowder in and made sure there was a bucket in case Chowder got sick. "Well...How are we going to explain it to him?"

Jack shrugged. "We could just not explain it, and tell him why we kept it a secret." 

"But Jack-"  
  
"I mean we can trust him, right?" Jack reasoned. "It's just Chowder-- it's not like _he's_ someone who will sell us out to the press."

Bitty sighed. "Let's see if he remembers anything in the morning first, dear."

* * *

 

When Chowder woke up, he was in Bitty's room, he was fully dressed, and he was insanely thirsty. He glanced at Bitty's desk, spotting a glass of water. Sitting up, he tried to retrace his steps from the night before.

He vaguely remembered singing karaoke with Holster, and he remembered stumbling up the stairs, but after that, he drew a total blank.

There was a knock on the door, and Bitty's head popped in the crack. "Chowder? Are you up? I'm making pancakes."

Chowder tensed, remembering he was in Bitty's bed. "You and I, we didn't, uh...?" Chowder trialed off.

"Oh heavens no," Bitty laughed, but then his face turned serious. "So how much of last night do you remember?"

"Uh, not much, really... I think."

"Um, can we come in, hun?"

Chowder didn't know who 'we' was, but he nodded. "Sure... I mean, it is your room."

Bitty knelt down beside him, while Jack walked in and closed the door behind them. "Chris, you don't have to lie."

Chowder scrunched his nose. "What do you mean? I'm not lying."

Jack frowned. "So you don't know that I'm dating Bitty?"

" Jack Laurent Zimmermann. " Bitty scolded. "What in the Lord's name is the matter with you?"

"Wait, you two are dating?" Chowder asked, incredulous.

Bitty said 'no' just as Jack said 'yes.'

Bitty sighed. "Please don't tell anyone."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extra: Holster's shoes
> 
> EARLIER THAT MORNING  
> *  
> The only reason Holster got up and faced the death of daylight was because of the sweet smell of Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup, but he stopped short at the horrific sight of his shoes. "WHO THE FUCK THOUGHT IT WOULD BE JUST FUCKING DANDY TO FUCKING SPEW CHUNKS ALL OVER MY FUCKING SHOES."


	2. Alcohol And Dex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alcohol and sex deals with the effects of the consumption of alcohol on sexual behavior.[1] The effects of alcohol are balanced between its suppressive effects on sexual physiology, which will decrease sexual activity, and its suppression of psychological inhibitions, which may increase the desire for sex.[2]

It was Ransom's birthday, and the team (or the _old team_ considering only _four_ of the people there were _actually on it_ ) had gathered together at Grill 23 & Bar to celebrate. Dex sat in between Nursey and Johnson, both of whom he had trouble making small-talk with. Whenever he tried to strike up a conversation with Johnson, he'd go on about 'plot holes' and 'crazy fanfiction writers,' which was unnerving, to say the least. And Nursey, well, Nursey made him want to shoot himself. He'd go on and on about how Dex should 'lighten up a little' or 'stop stressing so much and just enjoy the party,' but _he didn't understand_. Not everybody could be blessed with the Gift of Chill.

Around an hour or two in, after Holster had serenaded his Best Bro with a surprisingly good cover of Love You Like A Love Song by Selena Gomez, and after Shitty had gotten so drunk he cried every time he looked at Ransom, the group had disbanded. Lardo was at the bar, trying to cheer Shitty up with more alcohol. Ransom and Holster were debating the practicality of Hillary Duff walking into the restaurant and wishing Ransom a happy birthday. Johnson was off talking to some waiter about the story's cliché use of a birthday party to further the plot. Bitty and Jack, however, were talking about moving in together after Bitty graduates. 

Dex scowled and turned to Nursey. "How come you never offered to move in with me?"

Nursey frowned, "What?"

Dex gestured to Jack and Bitty, shaking his head. "Look at them: that's what best friends should be like."

Nursey put a hand over his heart and fake-gasped, "You think we're best friends?"

Dex's face went hot. "Of course not."

* * *

Chowder was listening to the conversation that Jack and Bitty were having. It wasn't creepy, no; it was just that Jack and Bitty's conversations were kind of, well, very amusing. From the constant jabs at each other to the _very_ secretive flirting,  it was like Chowder was in his own episode of Days of Our Lives. Plus, there wasn't much to do when nobody was talking to him. 

"So, Bittle, after graduation you're going to be needing a place to stay..." Jack started, picking up a fry. "So why not stay at my place?"

Bitty blushed, "Jack Zimmermann, are you asking me to move in with you?"

Chowder started at them intently. Jack frowned. "Of course, what else would I be asking?"

"Well, _Zimmboni,_ I need to know about this kitchen of yours first." 

"Well, since you haven't been over to my apartment  _at all_ , I'd say it's pretty nice. I never touch anything more than a pan, though, so I wouldn't really know. Luckily, you can take that part of my place over."

"You've never touched that beautiful kitchen of yours?" Bitty covered his heart and looked scared, "Lord knows why I'm keeping you around."

Chowder snickered and might've said a bit too loudly "Probably 'cause he's a good kisser."

Everything that happened next was a blur. They heard a choking noise and then Nursey yelped. Dex slammed his palms on the table and looked over to Jack, "Wha-" 

* * *

Dex wasn't sure if he'd heard right. He stared at Jack and Bitty and then looked back to Chowder. He could hear his mother's voice in the back of his head: Close your mouth or you'll catch flies.

He ignored Nursey, who was asking him if he was okay, and tried to piece out everything he'd just heard. "Wha-"

Chowder chuckled nervously and muttered. "I mean, Jack's probably a bad kisser. I mean--"

Bitty frowned and said, "Chowder. Chris. Please stop. Please."

Nursey was still trying to get his attention, obviously having not heard what was just said. Dex just gaped. "How- wha- you...?"

Jack, who had been silent this whole time, suddenly said, "Bitty, Chowder, and I need to go to the bathroom. I think you do to, Dex."

Dex could only nod as Jack pulled him across the restaurant, into the men's room.

"Okay then," Nursey pulled out his phone. "I'll just stay here. Alone."

* * *

Jack locked the door to the bathroom and turned to Dex, frowning. He started to speak but was interrupted by Chowder: "Listen, Bitty, I'm really sorry. I'm really, really, really sorry. I'm, just, I-"

Bitty put his hands on Chowder's shoulders, trying to calm him down. "Chowder, hun, it's fine. It's not like you meant to say anything. It was just a joke."

"But. No, Bitty, I feel really-" Chowder continued.

Bitty shushed him. "Chowder, just let Jack talk to Dex."

Dex was just standing there, speechless. Chowder worried that maybe they'd broke him.

"Listen," Jack started. "Dex--"

"Waitwaitwait." Dex said, finally. "What in the actual hell is going on here? _You're dating Chowder?_ But what about Farmer? Does she know?" He turned to Chowder. "How could you do this to her?" 

The room went silent, leaving a tense air between the four boys. Chowder looked at Jack, who looked at Bitty, who then burst out laughing. 

"Darlin'," Bitty said, "I know it's supposed to be a secret, but that is _the_ most ridiculous thing I've heard in my life. Jack and Chowder? Lord, save me." 

Dex paused and then looked at Jack. "You two aren't dating?" 

Jack smiled awkwardly. "I mean... no? Not Chowder and I, no." 

"What does that even mean? You're not..." Something clicked, and Dex's face lit up. "Oh. _Oh shit._ You're dating _Bitty._ "

The room went quiet again. 

"Don't worry," Dex assured them. "I won't tell anyone. As if I need _more_ drama in my life."

And with that, he walked out of the bathroom and took his place right beside Nursey, who started arguing with him about the correct way to brush your teeth.

* * *

 

Jack and Bitty stared at the door in awe. Chowder had started apologizing again, now promising that Dex wouldn't tell anyone because he knows Dex and he doesn't have any friends to tell anyway and except probably Nursey, but Bitty had just nodded.

Then, Chowder had left the room, having said something about needing to apologize for saying that Dex had no friends.

Bitty sighed and turned to his boyfriend. "Lord, what on Earth have our lives become?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extra: Johnson's conversation
> 
> Johnson looked at the waiter, "I mean, why in the hell is this a good idea? If anything I would pick a damn kegger at the Haus over a bar in Boston that was found in thirty seconds on Google. Why did this plot win over, what, thirty other cliches? What even is the ending? Bitty getting the last word, finally realizing what's going on? Wow, it's not like there's another character for that exact reason... Thanks for listening to my rant, though. You're a good listener. I'll see you around..." Johnson searched for the waiter's nametag, "George."
> 
> As Johnson walked away to join Shitty and Lardo at the bar, the waiter, George, sighed in relief, "For Christ's sake; I'm not a therapist."


	3. Whiskey Business

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do I really have to explain this???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the poor French (and also the non-Canadianness of it) but also Happy Birthday, Jack! Have some angst.

Hockey season had just ended, and the Falconers had made it to the playoffs. It wasn't a surprise, really, but the team had gathered to celebrate. Everybody was really proud of Jack, but nobody could be more proud than Bitty.

Eric Richard Bittle had baked about twenty-seven pies in the short time it took Jack to drive up, and was still making more when the doorbell rang.

A bunch of others had arrived earlier. Shitty and Lardo had driven down last night and crashed on the sofa. (Bitty, of course, did not know how they could bring themselves to do such a heinous thing.) Ransom and Holster had flown in from Seattle that morning, and they kicked Nursey and Dex out of their room so they could catch a few more hours of sleep. Johnson had even come, too, although Bitty wasn't exactly sure from where.

Everything was perfect. Well, almost perfect.

Everyone greeted Jack like they hadn't seen him for months. Lardo hugged him, and Shitty cried. Ransom and Holster joked, asking him if he'd give them an autograph. Tango, on the other hand, actually asked for his autograph. Chowder hugged him from behind, after Lardo let go to console Shitty, and kept chattering about how of course Jack made it to the playoffs-- he's probably the greatest hockey player ever!!! Dex and Nursey greeted him calmly, surprisingly not arguing for once, and Johnson said something about characters being stripped down to their basic traits.

Bitty just stood in the doorway, smiling at his friends. Jack obviously noticed, and he offered a brief smile when he met his eyes before turning his attention back to the team.

This continued for the rest of the night. There was laughter and crying (and existential crises every half hour thanks to Johnson), but at the end of the day, everyone had to go home and continue their lives. Well, everyone except Jack, who opted to stay behind with Bitty.

It was morning, now, and the two were in Bitty's room, relaxing and laying in bed while their Hausmates were in class. 

Jack kissed Bitty's forehead, "Y'know, Bittle, we haven't seen each other in a while."

Bitty laughed, "Jack, we saw each other last night. We're seeing each other right now."

"Yeah, well..." Jack trailed off... "Last night was great. We should do it again sometime." 

"Is that your way of saying 'Thanks for making my celebratory dinner?'" Bitty turned to face him. 

"No," Jack smiled. "It's more of a way of saying 'Take your shirt off.'"

Jack cupped Bitty's face and pulled him in for a kiss. Bitty's hand slid up Jacks shirt, tracing his stomach. They kissed chastely, and Bitty worked on taking off their shirts.

"Wow, Bitty, a little eager are we?" Jack laughed. 

Bitty blushed. "Shut it, Zimerman, and take off your pants."

Just as Jack started unbuttoning his jeans, his phone started ringing from the other side of the room.

* * *

 Whiskey wasn't sure anyone was home. He'd knocked, but nobody answered, which was really unusual. He'd just stood outside the Haus, waiting for somebody to come home.  
  
He checked his phone again. He was sure Tango was out of class by now. Maybe he was upset with him for not being able to come last night, he thought. But it wasn't his fault he'd already made plans. He sighed as he stuck his earbuds in and sat down on the porch step to wait.

About fifteen minutes later, Tango arrived, out of breath and bearing a bag of donuts. "Sorry," he said. "I got caught up in class; some girl spilled her coffee on my notes, so I offered--"

"Relax," Whiskey told him. "It's cool."

"Ah, man, you should have seen it," Tango told him, unlocking the front door and stepping into the Haus. "Jack Zimmermann was here last night, and I even got a picture with him." 

Tango paused, pulling out his phone. He showed Whiskey the blurry picture of him and Jack in the kitchen, their arms around each other's shoulders. Whiskey nodded and followed him into the Haus. 

"Okay," Tango said, nodding towards the bathroom, "I'm going to go change. Bitty should be up in his room, can you go ask him if he knows where my fleece is? I've been looking for it for ages, and--"

Whiskey nodded again, making his way up the stairs. 

* * *

 

"Papa...? Ben merci. Je sais que tu aimerais bien que tu aurais pu venir, et je comprends que tu fais de ton mieux pour arriver ici," Jack said. "Suis-je chez moi? Bien sûr, Papa. Pourquoi? Tu es en ville? Je suis desolé, Papa, mais je suis occupé. Papa, écoute. Dad, just--" Jack frowned, dropping his phone. "Je suis avec mon copain."

"Jack? Honey, are you okay?" Bitty sat up.

"Yeah, it's just- my dad is wondering where I am. He's at my apartment," Jack walked over to Bitty's bed to grab his shirt. "I have to go."

"Jack you're too stressed to drive right now. You'll work yourself up and get into a wreck. Let me give you a massage or something to help you relax."

"A massage actually sounds kind of nice right now," Jack smiled, climbing on to Bitty's bed while Bitty got lotion from his desk.

He walked back over to his bed and sat on Jack's thighs, rubbing his thumbs in small tight circles on Jack's back. It was obvious Jack enjoyed having his back rubbed after weeks of doing nothing but hockey. Bitty whispered "You are the most amazing person I've met." 

Bitty moved his hands lower down Jack's back, laughing at the sounds Jack was making, and said, "You are kind caring and the most amazing boyfriend--"

And then the door opened. Whiskey stood in the doorway, eyebrows raised. He cleared his throat and asked, "So... Tango was wondering if you knew where his fleece was?" 

Bitty paused. "Uh, yeah, sure... Give me a second." He got off of Jack and walked to his closet. 

"So, Jack, Tango was really excited to meet you last night." Whiskey said, after a moment. 

Jack, who was putting on his shirt, laughed. "He was cool." 

Whiskey nodded. "Yeah." And then: "Are you two okay? You seem tense." 

Jack and Bitty exchanged a glance. 

"Um, yeah, Whiskey, we're fine." Bitty assured him. 

"I wasn't interrupting anything, was I?"

"Well, hun, you see..." Bitty furrowed his brows. "Jack and I, well, we're--"

"Passionate lovers?" Whiskey said. "Yeah, I know. I'll just tell Tango you couldn't find it so we can get to lunch and you two, well, you two can continue with whatever you were doing." 

As Whiskey left the room, he yelled. "As if it weren't already completely obvious."

Bitty turned to Jack. "I think that's the most he's ever said to me."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extra: Chapter outline
> 
> It's a v v hot summer day and Jack and Bitty are gettin' it on. Tango isn't home, Chowder's watchin a shark's game. Nursey and Dex are upstairs bickering. Loudly. Cue makeout session. Jack is super duper ready. He takes off Bitty's shirt. OMG FanGirls. They start makin' out again. 
> 
> RRINGGGGGGGGG. IT'S BAD BOB. more like cockblock chris. *french interlude* (a/n: basic french srry if u don't liek don't read)
> 
> bitty!!!1 is 500% concerned. oh no poor jackie is stressed. bitty offers a sensual massage to his passionate lover. massage happens. jack can't keep his whore mouth shut. he moans. loudly. 
> 
> meanwhile. whiskey the lax bro supporter with the gay undercut wants to visit his bffl tango. he has headphones in blasting never gonna give you up. he can't find tango so he goes to bitty's room. uh-oh ensues. 
> 
> whiskey opens door. sees moaning shirtless jack and half-naked bitty with lotion. whiskey nods, turns around, walks away. WHAAAAAATTTTTTTTT? whiskey leaves lfe entirely. but not before uttering "called it."
> 
> (B/N) YO peeps sorry we didn't post this yesterday. I was really tired bc I have band camp all week and was dead when we were trying to write it. BUT the important thing is it's out. Later gaters


	4. Chip on your Holster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To have a chip on one's shoulder refers to the act of holding a grudge or grievance that readily provokes disputation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Sorry we have been updating kind of skittish-y; I haven't been feeling too great. But don't worry, more is sure to come! - human
> 
> Also I've beeb really tired w/ marching band and life in general but we try- Bop

Every ding accompanied by a giggle aggravated him. That's how Holster's vacation was going.

Ransom and Holster were still in town, a couple of days after Jack's big dinner party, and they'd been staying at the Haus. Of course, this meant Mario Kart tournaments, endless supplies of pies, and a very pissy Dex (honestly Holster didn't know where he and Nursey were sleeping, and he was kind of too scared to ask). This also meant 30 Rock binges with his boos. Except Ransom was out with Lardo somewhere-- he wasn't too into spending hours doing nothing but listening to Holster cry over how great Liz Lemon is-- so Holster was spending his afternoon with Bitty. 

Normally this would have been fun, but Bitty was texting someone like his life depended on it. And giggling. _Giggling._

"Bitty, no offense, but who the fuck are you texting non-stop? And why are you giggling like damn school girl?" Holster said as Liz argued with her parents. 

"Oh-- um," Bitty said, blinking at Holster, "My mother. She was asking me how I was doing with classes, and we just... started joking. Do you want me to tell her you said hi?"

Holster could feel his face going red. "It's fine," he said. "Just... Stop giggling, please, this is a really good episode."

And he did. Holster turned back to the T.V. and absorbed himself into some more 30 Rock. But just as the episode was ending, Bitty started to giggle again.

Holster focused on the next episode as well as he could've with Bitty giggling in his ear every ten seconds. But Bitty had tried to quiet down, so he didn't say anything. 

After one of the episodes had finished, and the credits started rolling, Bitty stood up, "Well, I have to go to check on my pie. Don't start without me."

 

Mistake numero uno:

Bitty had left his phone on the coffee table, unlocked. Holster didn't want to be _that guy_. He respected Bitty's privacy and everything, but he knew something was up. You just didn't giggle like that at your mom of all people. Bitty had to have been lying, and Holster figured lying was just as bad as taking a glance at Bitty's phone. 

It wasn't his proudest moment.

 

Mistake number two:

Bitty was texting someone he'd named "Honey Pie <3." Holster thought that was _very_ suspicious since he constantly assured the boys he wasn't dating anyone. Holster would have set the phone down at that instant if it hadn't been for the next thing.

 

Mistake number fucking three:

He saw his name in one of the messages. Bitty had been talking about him to someone he didn't even know existed. Unless it was his mother, of course, but by the looks of the contact name, it was probably not her, unless he was Oedipus or something.

Holster scrolled through the messages, but nothing really made it clear to him who Bitty's secret boyfriend was. Everything was really vague, like Bitty was sure someone would be looking on his phone.

 

Erreur nombre quatre: 

Just as Holster was about to give up his search for the identity of the mystery lover boy, a selfie was sent. 

A selfie. A very informative selfie. Of Jack Zimmermann. Sitting on the roof of what looked like his apartment building overlooking the sunrise, holding a steaming coffee mug. Seconds later, another text came through reading, 'Wish you were here.'

 

Holster felt like his mind was melting. A few things ran through his mind, the first one being _oh my god Jack and Bitty are secretly dating_  followed by _that actually makes a lot of sense_ and then  _oh shit I owe Ransom a hundred bucks._ He put Bitty's phone back and grabbed the remote as Bitty walked back into the room. 

"Pie should be ready in about 30 minutes. Let's watch another episode."

* * *

After Bitty and Holster had finished their episode and the pie had cooled down, they sat at the table and ate their own slices of raspberry pie. It was an awkward eating environment. Well... less awkward and more of a loaded silence.

"Hey Bitty," Holster said, suddenly. 

"Yes," Bitty said, not looking up from his phone.

"Are you and Jack banging?" Holster winced at his own crudeness. 

Bitty choked on the mouthful of pie he had just put into his mouth.

After Bitty finished coughing up a lung, he asked, "What? Why do you ask that?"

"Well... for one, your reaction," Holster said, gesturing to Bitty, "And, uh, two, well, I-may-have-looked-at-your-texts-with-Jack-A.K.A-HoneyPie?"

"Sweet lord, were you going through my phone?" Bitty asked. 

Holster nodded, "Sorry." 

Bitty sighed. "It's fine."

The two continued to eat in silence until Holster finished his slice of pie. He had just started to get up when Bitty looked up at him and said. "We are, by the way, dating."

Holster smiled as he made his way up to the attic. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extra: Writing bloopers
> 
> A very identifying photo. Of Jack Zimmermann. Standing in front of Ransom's favorite food chain 'Saying wish you were here'. 
> 
> 'Oh shit lol wrong person' A new message from Jack read in the chat. 
> 
> A few seconds later Holster got a text from Jack 'Hey I lost Ransoms number, can you give it to me'. 
> 
> *
> 
> Bitty choked on Jacks di-the mouthful of pie he had just put into his mouth.


	5. Nursey Your Mind and Your Ass Will Lardo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Honestly all I know about this title is that it's a band in the 80's or something(?). - bop
> 
> It's a Funkadelic album name - human

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo sorry this is late peeps. Life happened also a laptop that wont charge and then more life happened. Oh and then Marching Band. Bc that is my life for the next three months. Later gaterz.- Bop
> 
> So yes my laptop broke, and this chapter took a bit (a bitty hahah I'm so funny) longer than usual! But thanks a lot for the 100 kudos! There's about 3 or so chapters left, including a bonus chapter at the very end!! -Human

Lardo glanced at her phone, and then back towards the road.

She knew not to text and drive; she'd seen the movies where some chick was sobbing because like her boyfriend cheated on her or something like that and then she drove straight off of a cliff because she was too busy texting her friends.

But this wasn't like that.

It was Bitty's graduation, and she was late. She knew she should have gone last night with Shitty, but of course she hadn't packed and she didn't want to slow him down, and now she was late.

"Figures," she muttered, turning up her music.

* * *

Nursey wanted to seem supportive, but he couldn't really focus with Dex shouting at him every ten minutes.

"Have you seen my tie?" he yelled, pounding on the bathroom door. "I swear, I let you borrow something one time and it disappears."

Nursey, who had just gotten out of the shower, drew a frowny face on the mirror. "Which tie?"

"My favorite tie. "

Nursey sighed. "And which one is that?"

Dex made a sound like he was choking. "The red one you f--" he sighed-- "Just let me know if you see it, okay?"

Nursey rubbed his temples, "Listen, it's Bitty's day today, so let's not do this over a tie. Let's just, like, be chill. For Bitty."

Dex sighed. "But my-"

Nursey erased the face on the mirror. "Use one of my ties."

* * *

Fifteen miles, Lardo told herself. Just relax. You'll be there soon.

She tapped her fingers against the steering wheel and checked her mirrors. She hated driving alone. She hated sitting in silence with nothing but her thoughts. Normally she drove with Shitty, so they'd play like car games and make fun of bumper stickers. But Shitty had gone without her, and now she was alone. In her car. Listening to Neutral Milk Hotel. Alone.

She checked the time again. There were still 20 minutes before the ceremony started.

* * *

"So," Nursey started, walking up to the attic, "How do I look?"

He slammed open the door, and stood there with his arms out. His shirt was buttoned wrong and his tie was loose. His hair was disheveled, and he hadn't shaved. His socks didn't match.

"You-- fine. You look fine." Dex looked like he wanted to strangle him. This was going to be _fun_.

"Are you sure?" Nursey rolled up his sleeves. "I don't know about this tie." He walked over to his dresser and pulled something out. "I was thinking maybe the red one."

And in that moment, Dex exploded. "What the--"

* * *

Bitty was panicking. He couldn't find his cap. How in the world could you lose a graduation cap? He'd checked his (now empty) sock drawer and about 6 of his boxes, but he couldn't find it anywhere. He wasn't going to be able to graduate or get a job. He was going to be homeless, and _you can't bake pies when you're homeless_.

Bitty checked his watch again; he had to be in the commons in ten minutes.

Shitty poked his head in Bitty's room, his shirt unbuttoned, "Shouldn't you be headed for the commons right now?"

Bitty sighed, running his hand through his hair, "I would be if I could find my damn hat."

"Bits, I don't mean to alarm you, but," Shitty pointed at something behind him, "...it's on your bed..."

Bitty turned and faked a smile as he put on his cap. _Here comes the rest of your life_. He then rushed out of the Haus to try and make it to his graduation on time.

* * *

Three damn minutes. That's how close she was. There were three damn minutes until the graduation started, and Lardo was going to miss it because she couldn't find a fucking empty spot to park in. She called Shitty because she was _that_ fucking lost in a sea of other people who were also fucking late. "Shitty, where the fuck are you guys? I just got here."

"You just got here? We're right next to the tree that we carved 'fuck the LAX team' onto your senior year."

"Jesus Christ, you guys are all the fucking way across the commons? Fuck everything. Fuck me."

"Okay, calm down and bust ass to get over here."

Lardo got to the tree where Shitty just had to declare his love for the LAX team just as everyone graduating took their seats.

* * *

"Today we not only embark on an adventure, we embark on a new chapter in life. No matter what we do, we'll make a change-- be it helping Mrs. Johnson cross the street or being the first human on Mars. Because this is a generation of change. So, now, let's all flip our tassels and celebrate the changes we'll make. To the class of 2017!"

As everyone in Bitty's class flipped their tassels and threw their hats, Bitty shed a tear.

He was done with college, he'd kissed the ice, and made the last pie in the Haus. He was done. And that scared the crap out of him. All of it was over. The band started to play the Samwell alma mater signalling the end.

"Alright, you little shit!" and "Congrats, Bittle" were the first two things Bitty heard afterwards, apart from the roaring screams of his peers.

Before he could even react, he was crushed into a celly by Lardo, Shitty, Ransom, Holster, and Jack. _Jack_.

Bitty started to cry.

His parents were standing a few feet away, taking pictures. He looked at Jack, who was wearing that very rare proud smile of his, and then back to the rest.

"Y'all," he sniffled. "I have dreamt of this day since I first started here at Samwell. But now that it's here," he laughed, "Lord, do I want to go back."

* * *

It was after pictures, and Bitty was in the bathroom crying. He knew it was foolish, really, to be crying over leaving Samwell. Most of his friends had already left, and they hadn't cried. How had they done it?

He wiped the tears from his eyes and looked at his reflection. He'd come so far since his Frog Year. He used to curl up on the ice at the thought of being checked. But this year, he was the captain of the team. He'd made so many friends, a boyfriend even. Bitty started to cry again.  
Suddenly, the door opened. Bitty jumped when he saw his boyfriend.

Jack rushed to his side, "Bittle, are you okay?"

* * *

Nursey and Dex were still arguing. Lardo couldn't stand it. Apparently, according to Shitty at least, they'd been bickering all morning. It really killed the "oh my god I'm so fucking happy" vibe she was trying to give off. She'd tuned most of it out, until she heard: "You like red so much? Here!"

  
And then there was punch. Everywhere. On her dress, on Nursey's shirt. She just stood there, staring at Dex in awe.

She heard Shitty trying to calm her, and Chowder asking what happened, but she didn't listen. She grabbed Nursey's arm and stormed off to find the bathroom.

"You know Dex didn't really mean to--"

"I know."

"He just got a little carried away."

"Sure."

"Where are we going?"

"To clean up."

* * *

Nursey paused at the bathroom door. "Where's the ladies' room?"

Lardo looked up at the sign, confused. "Fucking hell. I forgot the ladies' room was on the other fucking side of the field. Who the hell designed this place?"

Nursey shrugged, opening the door backwards. "I mean, it should be fine. So what if you're a chick? Gendered bathrooms are whack."

Lardo chuckled, "Right on."

* * *

Lardo stood still with wide eyes. Nursey wondered what made her stop violently swearing at him. Until he saw it. There, in front of him, stood Jack Zimmermann and Eric Bittle. Kissing. In the bathroom.

Lardo cleared her throat, causing the couple jump back in surprise. She glanced at Nursey, before continuing as if they hadn't seen anything. "So, why the hell did Dex throw punch at everyone?"

Nursey, who was visibly un-chill, chuckled. "Um, I kind of took his tie?"

Lardo rolled her eyes. "You two are fucking toddlers."

Jack and Bitty just stood in the spot in which they were previously kissing, gaping at Nursey and Lardo cleaning punch off of themselves.

"You guys--" Bitty started.

"It's totally chill, guys, we'll be able to keep a secret." Nursey spluttered.

"O-ok-okay." Bitty said, frowning at Jack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extra: Lardo's feelings
> 
> Lardo stayed after to catch up with Bitty and Jack because she didn't know about them for the past fucking two or so years. 
> 
> Lardo sat with Bitty and Jack on the porch sipping on some iced tea that Bitty made.
> 
> "Yo so I'm not angry that you guys didn't tell me. I'm just disappointed. I could've kept Shitty off your asses."
> 
> Extra Extra: Some sauce
> 
> Bop: So how would Jack and Bitty start kissing in the bathroom?
> 
> Human: He would cheer him up and stuff. Go like "I louv u and I luv u. Two years and they havent said I love you. They were off to a rocky start."
> 
> Bop: So they'd be like  
> "Wow Jack my body isn't ready 4 this"
> 
> "Its oakky Bittle ilu"
> 
> *kisses do the happen*


	6. We Tell Ransom Egg Stories in Order to Live

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We Tell Ourselves Stories to Live is a 2006 collection of nonfiction by Joan Didion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so back to original posting? No promises? Idk it's twelve thirty and I really need to pee. -Bop
> 
> We spent four hours writing and one hour editing. -Human

Ransom pulled up to the apartment, squinting at his GPS. Were they here? He glanced at Holster, who was asleep beside him, with popcorn in his hair. He hadn't slept all night, instead opting to stay up with Ransom while he was driving. Of course, he didn't seem to have a problem with singing along with Alexander Hamilton as he rapped about financial systems at 3:54 in the morning.

Ransom felt bad about having to wake him up, but he didn't want to sit in the car waiting; he knew Holster, and it could've been hours before he woke up.

Holster jumped in his seat. "Where the hell is the dog?"

Ransom laughed. "Good dream?"

Holster nodded. "Bro, better then you could even imagine."

"Yeah?" Ransom took out his keys. "Tell me about it later. We're here."

* * *

"Bienvenue!" Bitty said as he opened the door. "To, um, Chez Bittle."

"Bro," Holster smiled, bending down to hug his friend. "Nice French."

Ransom nodded, resting his hand on Holster's back. "C'est tres bien."

Bitty stepped back, looking surprised. "Ransom, you speak French?"

Ransom shook his head, "Nah, bro, I took Spanish. But living with a Zimmermann for two years will do that to you."

Holster nodded. "Amen."

"I mean, you of all people should know, Bitty."

Bitty spluttered, "What do you mean?"

Ransom stared blankly at him. "You're roommates?"

Bitty laughed, "Oh, yes! Of course. I must be tired. Anyway, come in. I made pies."

Holster squealed. Ransom knew how much he'd missed Bitty's pies-- he'd heard it about 80 times on the trip up.

"Speaking of Jack," Ransom said, "where is the little guy?"

"Oh," Bitty said, "You know, off visiting family and the works."

"Oh yeah, it's that time of year," Ransom said, putting his bag down on the couch, "So you really don't mind us crashing on your bed while we're here?"

"Oh, honey, it's fine," Bitty said, slicing pie, "I'll manage. I'll just sleep in Jack's bed. While he's gone, at least."

Ransom paused. "Won't it be weird?"

Bitty looked like he was about to say something, but Holster intervened.

"Yo, bro, let's go put our shit in Bitty's room."

Holster dragged Ransom to Bitty's room--or the guest bedroom-- and set up their things. Everything was tense. Ransom plugged in his laptop before deciding to say something.

"Bro," he said, frowning. "What was that for?"

"Bitty's had a long day," Holster offered a half-hearted smile. "The dude baked pies for us."

"Besides," Holster said, getting up. "It's not like _we're sleeping in Bitty's bed_ or anything weird like that."

"Shut up, man," Ransom laughed, joining him, "You know what I meant."

* * *

 "So when are you boys expected?" Bitty asked as the boys filled their faces with pie.

"Not for, like, another couple of days." Ransom answered through a mouthful of pie.

"Justin Oluransi, I know your mama gave you better manners than to talk with your mouth full of food like that."

"Sorry, Bitty."

Bitty sat down with his own slice of pie across from Ransom and Holster. He smiled because the whole setting reminded him of old times: Bitty scolding someone over improper manners and them acting like it was the worst thing ever.

* * *

Bitty, Ransom, and Holster sat down in the living room to watch Legally Blonde, Holster's-- and Jack's, Bitty noted, favorite movie.

"For Christ's sake, Holster, you must fucking have all Elle's lines memorized by this point." Ransom half-heartedly complained, squeezing himself in between the two boys.

"Shhhh," Holster scolded, "It's starting."

That's how two hours passed: Holster mouthing along to every word in the movie, and crying during the scene with the dog. Ransom passed out on the couch.

The night ended peacefully; there was no loud screaming, no random alcohol concoctions, and, most importantly, no burning pies.

* * *

When the movie ended, no one had the heart to wake Ransom. He was left on the couch with a pillow placed under his head and a quilt covering him.

"Thanks for covering for me earlier." Bitty smiled.

"Dude, it's no problem; he was getting really snoopy about you and Jack."

"Alright," Bitty playfully punched Holster's shoulder, "Well, I'll see you tomorrow morning then. Sleep tight."

"G'night, Bitty."

* * *

It was late, around 3:30 A.M., and there was someone on the couch. _Who would be on the couch?_

And then Jack remembered: Bitty had told him Ransom and Holster would be stopping by and crashing at their apartment for a night or so.

Jack snuck behind the couch Ransom was snoring on and made his way to his bedroom.

Jack had almost woken Ransom up, _almost_ , when his phone went off because of a text from Tater. It'd said 'Say hi to your girl for me, Zimmboni!" Jack had just sighed and shoved his phone into his back pocket.

Jack opened the door to his and Bitty's room, careful not to hit anything, and stripped down to his boxers to join Bitty in bed.

"Mhm," Bitty wrapped his arm around Jack.

"Shh," Jack kissed his forehead. "Go to sleep, Bits."

He did just that. He fell asleep, cradled in Jack's arms.

* * *

 Ransom woke up feeling like shit. Why? Because he was sleeping on a fucking couch, that's why.

"Ugh," Ransom groaned into the couch, "Fucking hell. Why did no one wake me up?"

"Morning sunshine," Holster practically sang. _Fuck morning people._ "You're very perky this morning." Ransom looked up. Holster was in the kitchen making eggs. "I'm making eggs."

"Wow. Fucking thanks, Sherlock, I didn't notice." Ransom replied, falling back onto the couch, "I've gotta take a piss."

"Don't die on your way there."

Ransom blearily walked down the hallway to the bathroom. The problem? He mistook Jack's room for the bathroom and stumbled in on a scene that gave him a fucking cavity.

"Where's the bathroom?"

Jack and Bitty jumped from their position where they were cradling each others faces and talking about who knows what.

"Right behind you," Jack replied.

"I guess that's our cue to get up," Bitty frowned as the door shut behind Ransom.

* * *

 "No, no, no. Holster, you're cooking _eggs_ wrong." Bitty grabbed the spatula.

"What?" Holster frowned. "This is how I make them all the time. I'm just not finished with them."

"You are finished with these eggs, Adam Birkholtz," Bitty scolded. "Now move over and prepare to be schooled by Master Bittle."

* * *

Ransom walked in on a sight to behold. Holster was listening to Bitty more intently than he did in his four years of college, and Bitty was honestly scolding him while adding seasonings Ransom hadn't even heard of to the eggs.

"Is this gonna end 'Eggy Saturdays?'" Ransom asked, pouring a glass of milk.

"Nah," Holster assured him. "I'll, like, become an expert like Bitty and make the best eggs you have ever had."

Jack walked in, disheveled, and commented, "Good luck competing with Bittle here. He's the best chef in-- anywhere, ever." To emphasize the end of his statement, Jack leant down and gave Bitty a kiss on the cheek. Ransom and Holsters' eyes went wide.

The two locked eyes and simultaneously asked, "You knew?"

Holster sighed. "Yeah. For a couple of months, now."

"And you didn't tell me? Bro."

"Bro, how long have you known?"

"Since this morning." Ransom admitted. There was a moment of silence before he added. "You know you owe me a hundred bucks, right?"

Jack and Bitty laughed over by the stove and continued cooking the most important meal of the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extra: Telling the 'rents
> 
> Jack and Bitty sat across from Bitty's parents, looking scared for their lives. 
> 
> "Dicky, what brought you down here?" Mrs. Bittle questioned as she put the sweet potatoes on the table.
> 
> "Well mom, there was something I-Jack and I wanted to tell you guys." Bitty replied nervously.
> 
> "Shoot away, Eric!"
> 
> "Uhh, there's no other way to say this, but...Bittle and I have been dating for a while, now." Jack said, trying to calm his anxiety. "Like two years."
> 
> "Oh, good. I thought it was something bad." Bitty's mother stated. "Like moving to Canada bad."
> 
> "Good job son, you've got yourself a good man," Mr. Bittle said, nodding.
> 
> The rest of the dinner was eaten with Bitty and Jack clasping hands underneath the table and chatting with Bitty's parents.
> 
> Extra Extra: We're really tired
> 
> Human: *is editing actual crap I wrote* Ransom ransomed  
> Something I wrote(Bop): "I guess that's our cue to get up" Bitty queeried  
> Bop: OHMYGOD I WANT THIS PUN *puts title in and is very proud of it bc it's awesome*  
> Human: We have an awful lot about bathrooms in this fic...More bathrooms than most.  
> Bop: Spells bathrooms 'bathrroms' all night
> 
> Human: 'Holster' not 'Hilster'  
> Bop: Oh so you're shipping Holster and Hillary Duff now? 
> 
> Human: Sweet patatas on the sweet patable
> 
> Extra Extra Extra: What Really Happened at Breakfast (check mate)
> 
> Jack walked in, disheveled. He listened to Holster go on about making eggs. "Good luck competing with Bittle here," he said, "He's the best chef in-- anywhere, ever." To emphasise the end of his statement, Jack walked to the other side of the room. Then, he ran full speed at his boyfriend, knocking him to the floor. Eggs went everywhere. Holster and Ransom were screaming. 
> 
> Jack got up and brushed himself off. "Check your privilege."


	7. Battle of Palo Tango

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Battle of Palo Alto was the first major battle of the Mexican–American War and was fought on May 8, 1846, on disputed ground five miles (8 km) from the modern-day city of Brownsville, Texas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo wazzup we did a thing and it's not as late as it was last night (yes it is) so there's a start (I have school in two weeks) Hope you enjoy actual tears.-Bop

The stadium was crowded, humid, and louder than Chowder during a Sharks game. Tango frowned as he tried not to get lost in the crowd.

The Wellies had taken a trip to a Falconer/Aces game, and it seemed like everyone else in the country had too. Everyone was dying to see the face off between Jack Zimmermann and Kent Parson that had been brewing for years.

Bitty, of course, was their chaperone. Tango had asked why a group of 20 year-olds needed a chaperone, but everyone had just ignored him. Like always.

Now, he shoved through the crowd of people, trying to catch up with Whiskey.

Whiskey had sat next to him on the ride over, and he'd listened to all of his predictions about what would happen during the game. Well, sort of. He'd had his headphones in. But he didn't tell Tango to shut up, like Dex or Nursey usually did.

Instead of Whiskey, he found Bitty and Nursey standing in line at a concession stand. Nursey had a jersey draped over his shoulder, and Bitty was bright pink and stammering. Tango jogged up to them.

"Hey kid," a burly man wearing an Aces t-shirt and standing a couple places behind Bitty said, "why don't you wait in line like the rest of us?"

"Oh," Tango started, "Sorry, I--"

"Hey fuck face," Nursey interrupted, turning to face the burly guy, "Why don't you mind your own businesses? He's with us."

The burly guy backed off, muttering something to one of his buddies.

For once in his life, Tango was speechless. He tried to think of a way to thank Nursey, but drew a blank.

"Hey," Nursey almost smiled, "Don't mention it. The guy called someone a fag earlier, so I've just been looking for a reason to yell at him."

Tango nodded, and then pointed at the jersey Nursey was holding. "What's that?"

Nursey chuckled, and Bitty turned bright pink again. "A Zimmermann jersey. I got it for Bitty."

Tango was about to ask something, but they'd reached the front of the line.

* * *

The game was off to a great start. The Falconers had scored the first point, and Bitty couldn't have been more proud. Jack's friend Marty had made the goal. Bitty had met the him a couple of times, and he seemed perfectly nice. Jack seemed to think so, at least.

More importantly, though, Bitty was happy to see the look on Kent Parson's face when he realized he was losing to Jack. He didn't actually see it, of course, because his helmet was in the way, but it was probably great.

Bitty was Skyping the whole game to Shitty, since he couldn't be there in person. Shitty's commentary consisted mainly of _ha take that you little shit_   when Parson was checked and _that's my baby_ whenever Jack had the puck.

* * *

"Hey, Whiskey. I think Jack and Bitty might be dating," Tango whispered, just after the Aces scored their first goal. Whiskey wasn't listening. Tango sighed, before tapping on Nursey's shoulder.

"Hey, Jack and Bitty are dating." He said. Nursey just snorted and told Tango to shut the fuck up.

Chowder, who was sitting to his right, asked him what was wrong.

"I think Jack and Bitty are dating."

"Wha-- no, I mean," Chowder started coughing. "Who's Jack?" He then turned back to the game and refused to talk to Tango for the rest of the game.

* * *

 

The game was going great.

The teams were tied with 3 points each, and Jack had possession of the puck. Shitty was screaming encouragement from his dorm. Bitty was grinning like a madman, and even Whiskey was cheering. Jack was skating, swiftly, towards the goal when, out of nowhere, Aces number 90 slammed him into the side of the rink. In seconds, he collapsed.

Bitty had to hold back a scream, but he couldn't hold back the tears. The world seemed to fade out around him. His hands went weak, and he dropped his phone. He heard Shitty in the distance, asking what happened. He saw Dex picking up his phone. None of it seemed real.

He stood up, dizzy, and rushed off the stands.

Dex was explaining what happened to Shitty, and Nursey was trying to calm Chowder. Whiskey was staring at the ice, like he was frozen in that moment. Nobody seemed to notice, or care, that Bitty was gone.

"Are you guys kidding me?" Tango asked, incredulously. "Bitty just ran out sobbing, and none of you are going to see if he's okay?"

There was no response. Tango felt like screaming.

Tango stared at his teammates. "I thought we were supposed to be his friends."

He left the stands to go find Bitty.

* * *

Bitty couldn't find his way around the fucking stadium. He had no idea where they'd be taking Jack, or if they were calling an ambulance or whatever. Every time Bitty tried to think, the image of Jack falling onto the ice clouded his thoughts.

He found himself inside of the Falconers' locker room. He look around for Jack's locker, hoping to find a piece of him to cling onto. He slowly entered the combination, hands shaking. He almost smiled, remembering the day Jack told him what it was:

**_"07.04.15," he'd said. Bitty wasn't sure he'd heard right._ **

**_"Well, that's--" Bitty had started. Jack had just kissed him in response._ **

**_"I know."_ **

Bitty grabbed Jack's hoodie and held it up to his face.

"Hey," a guard said, suddenly, "You can't be in here."

Bitty started to cry harder, clutching Jack's hoodie to his chest. "I'm sorry, I just--" he sniffled. "My-- Jack."

"It's fine, Blitz," a voice said. "He's with me."

Bitty turned to see Tater, covered in sweat and still in uniform.

* * *

"He's in recovery. No broken bones, just a mild concussion. It was mainly shock. He should be fine," Tater assured him. "With a little rest." He looked at Bitty strangely, like he was just seeing him for the first time.

"He called for you, you know?" He said, after a moment of silence. "He talked about you a lot, I knew, but..."

Bitty looked up at him with wide eyes, sniffling.

"Are you two...?" Tater asked, apprehensively.

Bitty nodded and started sobbing again, and Tater figured that answer enough.

* * *

Tango stood outside the locker room in awe. It made sense, now, why Bitty had been so upset. He had to tell the others.

He raced back to the stands. The team was packing up, and the game was over. Apparently the Aces had won, but nobody seemed to care.

"You guys won't believe what I just saw."

* * *

Bitty was sitting, talking about Jack with Tater, when Jack's phone got a text from Dex: "I think Tango knows."

Bitty smiled, before texting back: "Good. I think we're ready to let the world know."

* * *

After a long silence Tater stated, "Hey, um, Bitty, Eric, I've got to apologize. For the longest time, uh, I thought Jack had a girl waiting for him"

Bitty sniffed before chuckling, "A lot of people think Jack has a girlfriend. But nope, just me."

"Well, you're great, and you make great pies. We all love your pies." Tater admitted with a dopey grin on his face, " _that man must love his pies"_ Bitty thought.

"Oh, well." Bitty laughed. "You should meet Holster. Lord knows why that boy isn't 300 pounds from eating all my pies... So you're fine with Jack...? Knowing he's well..."  
Bitty trailed off.

"Yeah, it's fine! I wasn't going to get him hurt because of the way he is! I'm Russian, not a monster!"

"Oh, um, can I-- can I go see Jack now?" Bitty nervously asked glancing at Tater.

"Yeah, I don't see why not. He should be done getting checked up on. Marty should probably be getting back anyway." Tater answered as he stood up and started walking towards the med room.

* * *

 

Bitty followed Tater to recovery, passing Marty on his way out. Bitty finally calmed when he reached Jack's bedside.

"Bittle," Jack said. "I'm fine. I still have all of my teeth. See." Jack smiled, groggily, to show his teeth.

"Jack Laurent Zimmermann, don't you ever do that to me again." Bitty dabbed his eyes with Jack's sweatshirt.

"What? I can't help it," Jack said, reaching out to hold Bitty's hand.

After fifteen minutes or so, Third showed up with the Wellies.

"Hey, boys," Bitty greeted from his spot beside Jack.

"Is he okay?" Dex asked.

"Just a bit shocked from being rammed against a wall." Tater answered, sarcastically, from the corner of the med room he was sitting in.

"I swear, he came out of nowhere," Whiskey commented, to everyone's surprise.

"Yeah, I was a bit shocked," Jack added dryly.

"The day you stop making jokes out of these situations is the day I stop making pies," Bitty kissed Jack's hand.

"Please never stop making pies," Chowder said, dead serious.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extra: I Wish it Were Me (Punching Kent Parson)
> 
> It was 2 in the morning. Kent had stayed up all night on the hockey forums, reading what people had said about his and Jack's... altercation. 
> 
> By 3:15, he'd finally shut down his laptop and turned off his lights. He'd almost fallen asleep, when he heard a knock at the door. 
> 
> At first, he tried to ignore it. He just wanted to sleep, goddamn it. But whoever it was wouldn't go away.
> 
> He sat up, annoyed, and padded to the door. He was surprised to see a moustached man in Sponge bob pajamas on the other side.
> 
> He was even more surprised to have Sponge bob moustache man's fist hit the side of his face.
> 
> "That's for hurting Jack, you fucking son of a bitch."
> 
> Kent watched in awe, clutching his jaw, as the man walked away.
> 
> Extra Extra: Somebody Important (Is Missing)
> 
> "Well everyone knows now" Bitty stated from his position at the sink, cleaning the dishes from when everyone stayed at The Bittle-Zimmermann Residence to make sure Jack was truly okay.
> 
> "It was bound to happen eventually" Jack supplied from his spot on the couch.
> 
> "Yeah I just wish we could've sat everyone down and told them" Bitty stated drying off the last plate and making his way to the table to clear it. 
> 
> "At least we got that type of relationship reveal with your parents." Jack supplied moving to lay down on the couch.
> 
> "True, the boys deserved better though."
> 
> "Meh, if you want to know what they actual-" Bitty glared at Jack from his spot in the kitchen, "Okay you know I'm joking, get over here and lets watch TV."


	8. Shitty Little Liars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pretty Little Liars is an American teen drama, mystery–thriller television series loosely based on the popular book series of the same title, written by Sara Shepard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY BUDDIES! Kinda late but....life? There are a lot of excuses for why it's late but just to summarize it in a few words: Family Picnics, Work, The Try Guys, and Avatar: The Last Airbender. Later GAterz. Till the next fic. -Bop

Shitty had missed them, okay? Jack and Bitty had been down in Georgia for three damn weeks and he'd fucking missed them. He'd been so busy with school that he hadn't even been able to say goodbye. He hadn't really been able to do anything with them, and suddenly it was Christmas.

So Shitty drove, like, an hour and a half just to fucking visit them for maybe a day or two. He hadn't seen them in a couple of months, so he'd borrowed some money from Lardo, and he'd driven down at the beginning of Christmas break.

Except when he got there, nobody was home. He'd called Jack to ask where in the hell he was. And he was in Georgia, visiting the Bittles. Shitty had wanted to scream.

So now, three weeks later, Shitty was flying down to Georgia to spend a weekend with his best fucking friends, who were still in fucking Georgia.

He was going to visit his hoes and surprise them with a Super Smash Bros. marathon, complete with a fucking game cube.

* * *

"Jack!" Bitty yelled from his spot in the water, "Get over here! Let's play a game or something."

Jack, who was sitting under an umbrella with Bitty's parents, laughed. "I'd rather not."

Bitty frowned and placed his hands on his hips, "You'd rather not, what? Have any more of my pies?"

Jack fake-gasped, "Are you blackmailing me?"

"Now, I would never."

Jack sighed. "Alright, Bits, I'm coming." Jack stood up and excused himself, promising to finish their conversation at dinner.

Jack waded into the water and swam over to Bitty, who whispered. "I love you, Jack Zimmermann."

Jack smiled and splashed Bitty with all his might. "I know."

"Oh, you're on, Zimmermann."

After half an hour or so, Bitty and Jack walked up to the beach and collapsed on their towels. Jack smiled at Bitty before glancing at his lips. "I love you, too, you know?"

Bitty smiled back. "I know."

After a few moments of silence, Bitty's mother spoke up, "Y'know, Dicky, you should have really put on some sun screen."

Bitty turned to face his mom, stifling a laugh, "I'm fine, mama."

* * *

Bitty was not fine.

He'd tried everything from aloe vera to silk clothing, but nothing helped. Jack told him to take a cold bath, but it didn't soothe his burns--it just made him cold.

Jack, who was brushing his teeth, couldn't help laughing at his boyfriend's pain. "You should have listened to your mother."

Bitty just whined, and tightened his towel around his waist. "I know," he said. "But that doesn't help me now, does it?"

He put on some boxers and nothing else, and fell face-first onto his bed.

Jack gurgled mouthwash and walked back into Bitty's room. "I'm going to go downstairs and watch TV. Would you care to join me?"

Bitty mumbled into his pillow.

* * *

Jack was about 15 minutes into watching an episode of _How It's Made_ centered around chicken nuggets, when Bitty walked in sporting a glare that could melt the Eiffel Tower.

"Bits, why don't you sit down and watch this with me?" Jack motioned for Bitty to take the seat next to him.

Bitty padded across the living room before finally sitting down and cuddling with Jack. "My thighs hurt," he complained.

Jack kissed Bitty's forehead and sighed, "You should have listened to your mother."

"Screw you," Bitty whined.

"If you insist," Jack laughed.

After about three minutes of Bitty's complaining about 'the heat' and 'the pain of being outside,' Jack'd had enough.

"Do you want me to kiss it better so you can stop complaining?"

Bitty rolled his eyes. "If you think that would make any difference."

Jack leant down and kissed Bitty's thighs, and that's when life shit on them. Literally.

* * *

 

The door was unlocked. They knew he was coming, so they'd left the door unlocked. Shitty knew that. Shitty expected that.

What Shitty did not expect was, well, everything that came after that.

He opened the door and started to scream, dropping the bags he was holding.

All he saw was a mess of brown hair moving up and down and a Zimmermann jersey.

Jack and Bitty jumped off the couch and onto the floor, shocked, and started screaming too.

"What the actual fuck?" Shitty ask-screamed. Jack stood up, brushing off his jersey.

"What the hell is wrong?" He screamed back.

"I just, like, come in to see-- what the fuck?" Shitty's hands were flying everywhere, his knuckles bruised.

"Guys," Bitty yelled, still sitting on the floor, "stop screaming."

Everything went quiet, and Shitty was left staring in awe at his friends.

"What the fuck were you doing?" Shitty scream-whispered.

Bitty and Jack exchanged a look.

"We forgot to tell him," Jack said. "Didn't we?"

Bitty frowned, standing up, "Wouldn't he at least have seen it on the news or something?"

"See what on the news?" Shitty asked. "Tell me what?"

Bitty looked up at Jack. He grabbed his hand and smiled. "Jack and I are, well, we're together."

Shitty's heart stopped. He looked between his two friends, shocked. His eyes started to sting. "You guys..."

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked, enveloping his friends in a hug. "You guys know I..."

He rested his head on Bitty's shoulder, and started to cry. "I love you guys. I am... so happy for you."

Jack chuckled, smiling into the hug.

Suddenly, he stepped back. "You guys need to tell Lardo."

Bitty paused. "What?"

"I mean, I'm not trying to pressure you guys, I just think--"

"Shitty," Jack started, "Lardo already knows."

"Oh," Shitty said. "Okay."

He then bent down to pick up his bags. "You guys ready to have your asses kicked in Super Smash Bros.?"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Thanks for sticking it to the end! Thank you so much for putting up with our tired writing of bored teenagers during the summer and thank you all so much for the support. I said it before and I'll say it again, Later Gaterz.-Bop
> 
> Extra: The Game
> 
> "No fucking fair. You guys are teaming up on me." Shitty complained after losing for the third time in a row.
> 
> Jack glanced at Shitty, "Well what are we supposed to do call Lardo down for a visit?"
> 
> Shitty gasped, "We should do that."
> 
> "Shitty no." Jack and Bitty said in unison as Shitty pulled out his phone and started dialing Lardo's number.
> 
> Extra Extra: Sneak Peak at a Marching Band thing I have in my mind that is in the 10x Draft Stage
> 
> "Why in the absolute fuck did we agree to this?" Shitty groaned as he hoisted the Sousaphone off of him and layed it next to Nursey's sousa.
> 
> Bitty looked over at Shitty from his spot next to Jack, who had his bass drum behind him, and Holster, who was holding his trumpet, "Hon, I am having the time of my life. This is almost exactly like ice skating. I love it so much."
> 
> Nursey groaned from his spot on the ground complaing about how 'life is so much better with the heavy brass piece of shit off of him'. Shitty joined him enjoying having someone who could feel his pain.
> 
> Chowder walked over glancing at the two boys on the ground complaining, "You think that's bad, try carrying a drum harnessed to your chest."
> 
> Shitty and Nursey shot up, "You wanna fucking talk about back pain?" Nursey angrily replied

**Author's Note:**

> follow us on tumblr: human-with-human-powers (feel free to message me i am always up for conversation) and tubasweat (obvi the better tumblr{also there are pics of my doggos on here so go look @ them})
> 
> tell us if you'd be interested in reading more from us!


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